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    “They Suck” Book Launch Party Script

    The "THEY SUCK" Book Launch Party

    (The setting:  The book launch party for “They Suck”, just published in early October 2016.  In attendance, the author (co-author) Regan T. M. Pazuzu, some characters from the book, and some other mysterious guests.)
    The Author:  (Making her introductions) Welcome to They Suck’s online book launch party! The book has been published and the characters are ready to meet the world! I will introduce characters (played by actors and writers from previous Triple Take Productions) as they arrive…please feel free to mingle with them. The party goes ’til 9pm EST – feel free to drop in anytime and read the “script” that develops on this discussion page. Become a part of the script by interacting with the characters. Towards the end of the evening, someone (a real person, not a character) will win a paperback copy of They Suck!
    (The Author waits for the imminent arrival of the characters from They Suck.)
    The Author:  And arriving unfashionably on time…Robert Spavor (played by RJ Downes)!  And with him…Nicole Ridley (played by Kim Croscup)!

    The Author (cont’d):  Robert’s creatures (pets) are arriving, too…here’s Hamster (played by Jason Reilly)!

    Nicole:  Achoo! (She sneezes in the general direction of Robert, then looks at him in a loving trance.)
    The Author:  And Mr. Tibbs and Prince William (played by Kim Croscup and RJ Downes respectively)…
    Robert: (Looking at Nicole with cartoon hearts in his eyes) Oh Nicole, my pork pot pie marshmallow face. Are you okay?
    Dr. Waddle: (To Robert and Nicole) You two vaginal warts disgust me…
    Hamster: (Smiles in Nicole’s direction knowing that sneeze is a sneeze of true love for Robert.)
    The Author:  The ever controversial Dr. Hanzenkrotchez (Jason Reilly) has arrived…
    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: Poof! I am arrived! And I thirst!
    The Author:  …followed by Dr. Waddle (Regan Macaulay), resident Mad Scientist and Zombie-lover.
    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: (Taken aback) Oh sweet Nicole. How I long for a taste of your…beauty…
    Dr. Waddle: (To Hanzenkrotchez) Get a hold of yourself, man!
    Robert: (Looking at Hanzenkrotchez) I know I should be kind to all creatures but I just don’t like that guy.
    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: (To Robert) I don’t care much for your tone!
    The Author:  And now, we have Robert’s bff…Terry!  Terry is played by Simone Cordice, by the way…
    Robert: Terry, old friend. Come join Nicole and I for a drink. Wait, where did Nicole go?
    Nicole: (Returns with rubber gloves on her hands) Just doing a little spring/winter cleaning!  Did you miss me deep fried peach pie?
    Dr. Waddle: (To Nicole) I have a card for a therapist who might put up with seeing you. I think you should take it.
    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: (Lures Nicole away with his charm) My sweet…my delight…let me show you the way to true everlasting life…
    Nicole: (In alarm at Dr. Hanzenkrotchez) Wait! You’re not…
    The Author: (Interrupting Nicole) And our final arrivals (from character-fantasy-land, anyway)—Silver Elvis (Regan Macaulay) and the Ninja (Simone Cordice)!  Welcome everyone! Enjoy the party! Those of you who are real and not characters, at about 8:50, be ready to vie for a copy of They Suck!
    Prince William: Robert…I…think…you…should…be…careful…at…this…party. Strange…people…indeed.
    Silver Elvis: (To all) Good ev’nin’ ladies and gents. I’m here to…entertain…
    Hamster: (In awe of silver Elvis) NOW WE GOT A PARTY!
    Mr. Tibbs: (At Robert with his nose a wee bit in the air) I’ve got your caboose, Sir. Don’t let the puerile banter of these civilians disturb you.
    Robert: (To Nicole) I missed you so much my little dumpling dough, fried in sugar, coated in jam and dipped in honey, darling.
    Nicole: Coated in jam!!! Oh goodness…did I put the jam jar back in the fridge?
    Terry:  Hey, Robert. What’s happening?
    Dr. Waddle: (To Terry) Holy Ch—, it’s you.
    Silver Elvis: (Test-gyrates before strumming his guitar, then he sings)
    “I’ll have a blue Christmas without you
    I’ll be so blue just thinking about you
    Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
    Won’t be the same dear, if you’re not here with me…”
    Hamster: (Still in awe of silver Elvis) Oh yeah…that’s the good stuff. Do you take requests? Maybe the theme from Hammy Hamster and friends? It’s my favourite.
    Silver Elvis: (to Hamster) Quiet down, little squirrel…let me finish this song and I’ll think about requests…
    (Singing) “And when those blue snowflakes start falling
    That’s when those blue memories start calling
    You’ll be doin’ all right, with your Christmas of white
    But I’ll have a blue, blue blue blue Christmas…”
    Hamster: (To Silver Elvis) Squ…Squi….Squuuuuii??? I, sir, am a hamster. And a part-time philosopher. And you offend me, sir.
    Silver Elvis: (To Hamster) Sorry little fella…this one’s for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qN72LEQnaU

    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: (To Nicole) I can be whatever you need me to be! Leave this silly animal boy and run away from this party with me!
    Nicole: (With a laugh and a blush at Dr. Hanzenkrotchez) I know I should be appalled…but…

    Robert: (To Dr. Hanzenkrotchez) Silly Animal Boy? Me? I’ll have you know that animals are smarter than most humans.  My friend the Ninja can attest to that.

    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: (To Robert) I’ve never met an animal that could beat me in a game of chess! Now that’s a fact. And I’m not all that good at chess.

    Mr. Tibbs: (To Hamster) Chess! Ha. A children’s parlour game. How funny.

    Hamster: (To Mr. Tibbs) You know it. We’d never stoop so low.

    Robert: (To Dr. Hanzenkrotchez) Well, chess is a tough one for most animals, but you get a good game of Parcheesi going and just watch them go.

    Prince William: I…prefer…Uno…myself.

    Mr. Tibbs: Parcheesi? Really, Robert. Your sense of humour…(continues to laugh haughtily.)

    Terry: (To Robert) Hey, hey, hey, what’s shakin’ bacon?  I was just on a call with the help at the shop. Gotta help chicks every step of the way, ya know?

    Dr. Waddle: Terry, that line alone tells me your time with me in therapy is doing nothing for you. Why do you keep coming to bother…I mean…see me?

    Robert: (To Terry) Sure, I know what you mean…I think…Not much bacon is shakin’ in my world. I don’t like to actually eat animals, after all.

    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: (To Nicole) You see? This whole rabble is easily distracted by pedestrian game-talk. I can show you so much more sophistication…

    (Nicole starts dancing gleefully, then accidentally bumps into Silver Elvis and begins madly searching in her purse for hand sanitizer.)

    Silver Elvis: (To Nicole) Careful lil’ lady!

    Dr. Waddle: (To Nicole) Is there something kind of “different” about you?

    Nicole: (To Dr. Waddle) Different? How do you mean different? (She steps a little too close to Mr. Tibbs, who looks like a Beefeater standing beside Robert.) Achoo!

    Robert: (To Nicole) My silly, willy, billy, chilly, illy, silly, lamb. You’ve got to watch where you’re going. You know how germaphobic you are.

    Dr. Waddle: (To Nicole) Seriously, take this business card from my therapist “friend”…

    Nicole: (Taking out a tissue so that she takes the card from Dr. Waddle without actually touching it.) Um….okay…

    Some Guy: (Enters the Launch Party unannounced) I just wandered in to have a seat and look at all the excitement. Except when I sat down, I heard this crunch. No one’s missing a turtle are they?

    Prince William:  I…don’t…want…to…cause…alarm…but…I…think…someone…just…sat…on…me…

    The Author:  Oh, Robert…I think someone’s found Prince William in their chair.

    Some Guy: He’s gasping a little bit. Seems to be saying “don’t trust the man in the cape”. My mom told me the same thing so many times…

    Robert: As long as he’s not in a can! (Laughs at his own joke.) What no one? No one gets it? Terry?

    Dr. Waddle: (To Robert) No one gets it, little man.

    Robert:  Prince William in a can? Old joke…never mind. This is why I prefer the animals. They get my jokes.

    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: (To Robert) all these animals…everywhere! How did you ever manage to attract a woman like Nicole. What’s your secret?

    Robert: (To Dr. Hanzenkrotchez) Animal pheromones help me a lot. That, and my natural animal charm.

    Ninja: Hey-lo he-ver-ebady. Now you see me….now…you…don’t! (Jumps into middle of the crowd and the vanishes.)

    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: (Since the Ninja has provided a distraction, the Dr. vanishes in a puff of smoke, then reappears next to Nicole.) Pooferooo! I am at your side at last my sweet! (BITES NICOLE!)  You are now among the undead!

    Nicole: AH! (Then faints immediately.)

    Silver Elvis: Hey-oh! That caped man just bit that lady in the crotch! That doesn’t seem too gentlemanly… Someone help that nervous lil’ lady! I’m only here to sing…

    Terry: (Squatting to speak to Nicole’s unconscious body) Oh yeah…Hey Nicole. What’s up?

    Robert: Nicole? My beautiful butternut squash with a side of mashed potatoes and carrots—Are you okay?  Speak to me my dearest!

    Prince William: Robert…don’t…go…any…closer!

    Some Guy: Um…Robert, I think she’s making this claw-like gesture…careful man…

    Robert: (To Some Guy) Nonsense. She’ll be fine. True love concurs all.

    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: (Glaring at Robert) Yes it does. The true love of the undead crotch! He, he, he, he!

    Robert: (To Dr. Hanzenkrotchez) I don’t get what’s so funny. Terry, what’s going on?

    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: (To Robert) Well you always were a bit slow witted. I’m not surprised it went over your head.

    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: (To Nicole) RISE and SPEAK, my sweet!

    Nicole: (Wakes up and immediately starts sniffing at Terry’s crotch…)

    Silver Elvis: (To Terry) Run, ginger man, run!

    Terry: Sorry Robert, no female can resist these cajones. That goes for humans or animals…(Smile of accomplishment.)

    Some Guy: Terry. Just go. If you want to keep your penis, run like the wind.

    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: (To Nicole) Ummm…not him my sweet. Sniff this way.

    Silver Elvis: (Singing) “Well, it’s one for the money
    Two for the show
    Three to get ready
    Now go, cat, go
    But don’t you
    Step on my blue suede shoes
    You can do anything
    But stay off of my blue suede shoes…”

    Nicole: (Stops dead in her tracks) Oh My Goodness! What am I doing? This is horrifying…but…I can’t…help myself…(ON HER HANDS AND KNEES SHE LUNGES AT SILVER ELVIS’ GROIN!)

    Silver Elvis: OOOOOWWWWW!  Gosh dangit!

    Some Guy: Oh, the humanity!

    Hamster: This is really heating up!

    Nicole: This is heaven!

    Silver Elvis: I guess now I’ll have to be Vampire Elvis…penisless Vampire Elvis…(Sighs, then immediately starts strumming his guitar again, almost as if nothing has happened…meanwhile blood is streaming down his silver pants.)

    Robert: This is Hell! Pardon my language.  Animals! Look away!

    Some guy: I’m tying little blindfolds onto all the animals as fast as I can, but I think they’ve seen everything!

    Dr Hanzenkrotchez: (To Robert) You know…I can make you like her (points to Nicole.) Care to join your love in an unending circle of crotch chasing paradise?

    Nicole: (Looks at Robert with love in her eyes, penis blood pouring from mouth) Oh! There you are my Honey Bunches of Oats!

    Robert: (To Dr. Hanzenkrotchez) Of course I want to join her, but not in an unholy matrimony such as that.

    Silver Elvis: (Singing) “…Well, you can knock me down
    Step in my face
    Slander my name
    All over the place
    Do anything that you want to do
    But uh-uh, honey
    Lay off of my shoes
    Don’t you step on my blue suede shoes
    Well, you can do anything
    But stay off of my blue suede shoes…”

    Hamster: (To Silver Elvis) Is it request time yet?

    Silver Elvis: (To Hamster) Isn’t this enough to satisfy your little hamster mind? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qN72LEQnaU

    Hamster: (To Silver Elvis) I have a second cousin in that video.

    Some Guy: (Crunches popcorn loudly.)

    Robert: (To Nicole) My love, my sweetheart, my pooky-wooky. What have you become?

    Nicole: (Catching a glimpse of herself in Robert’s perfect eyes) AHHHHH! (She grabs her hand sanitizer and starts squirting it all over herself trying not to get the bottle bloody.)

    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: (In horror) NO…NOT THE SANITIZER!

    Nicole: Help, Robert! Help!

    Terry: (With a childish squeal, he runs away from Nicole) Ahhhhh…weeeee—she touched me—ahhhhh!

    Dr. Waddle: (To Nicole) If your eyes are stinging, maybe stick a clove of garlic in them, to help sop up the sanitizer?

    The Author: (Totally interrupting the flow) Okay, so it’s that time (8:50)! The first person (not character) who can tell me what Hamster’s name is wins a copy of They Suck!

    Robert:  I guess there’s nothing left to do, but fulfill my destiny as a vampire hunter, just like my mother, god rest her soul, told me I had to become. My love…I will hunt you down until the end of time if I have to. I love you but I cannot live with you like this. It’s the only way I can think of to help you.

    Dr. Waddle: (To Robert and Nicole) This is exactly how I hoped your love would end up…

    Robert: My little poo poo, fish face, lovey bear. Why did you have to become a vampire? And why do you have to feast on crotches?

    Some Guy: This is so much better than frolf.

    Silver Elvis: (Singing) “Let’s go, cat!
    Ah, walk the dog
    You can burn my house
    Steal my car
    Drink my liquor
    From an old fruit jar
    Do anything that you want to do
    But uh-uh, honey
    Lay off of my shoes
    And don’t you
    Step on my blue suede shoes
    Well, you can do anything
    But stay off of my blue suede shoes…”

    Dr. Waddle: So seriously, other people at this party…what is Hamster’s name?

    Robert: I know his name!

    Dr. Waddle: (To Robert) Of course you know Hamster’s name, you yeast infection! We need “Some Guy” or someone else to tell us what his name is. Any guesses?

    Robert: (To Dr. Waddle) You kept asking and no one answered. I couldn’t take it!

    Nicole: (To Robert) See you later my cherry filled magic bullet! (BITES NINGA’S PENIS OFF AND RUNS AROUND THE ROOM FLAILING IT ABOUT!)

    Robert: Oh, the humanity! Oh, the indignity! Won’t someone think of the animals?

    Silver Elvis: (To the Ninja) So, I see you’ve joined the Crotchless Vampire Club…

    Dr. Hanzenkrotchez: I think my work here is done! Ker-ploof and I go! (Disappears in a puff of smoke.)

    The Author:  Farewell, Dr. Hanzenkrotchez. You’ve made a huge mess…thanks for sticking around to clean it up…

    Hamster: Can I guess my name?

    The Author:  Sure, Hamster, guess your name. What the hell.

    Robert: (Head drooping turning to his animals) My four legged friends—We must now go and hunt the woman I love. We should pack a lunch. We’ll get hungry.

    Nicole: (Removing the penis from her mouth briefly, she looks at Robert accusingly) Wait a second! Are these YOUR pets?

    Robert: (To Nicole) Yes they are my love! Animals are my greatest passion, next to you.

    Nicole: Achoo! (She sneezes snot and penis blood all over Robert’s face.)

    Some Guy: Hamster…um…is your name Hamster?

    The Author:  Congratulations “Some Guy”…you win a copy of They Suck! Just send your mailing address to the authors of They Suck and yada yada…

    Nicole: (To Robert) I love you, snookems.

    Robert: (To Nicole) And I you, my penis blood breath angel.

    Hamster: (Mumbles) I always wanted to be a “Gary”.

    The Author:  Nope! No “Gary” for you, Hamster! You are named after what you are. And that is that.

    Robert: (To Hamster) You look like a Garry with two Rs…

    Hamster: (To Robert) Thanks, pal. And you look like a pretty kick @$$ vampire hunter to me!

    The Author:  Now to everyone else, say your good-byes and get the hell out of here.

    Robert: It has been a pleasure to meet you all. I bid you a goodnight!

    Nicole: (Chasing after Robert on her knees) Wait for me my Loving Spoonful!

    Dr. Waddle: (To Nicole) You’re running right to your death! Your love is a vampire hunter…

    Prince William: I…want…to…stay…and…get…my…freak…on. But…if…Robert…is…going…I…guess…I’ll…say…goodnight.

    Mr. Tibbs: Salutations, you charming colloquials.

    Some Guy: Okay. Bye. I guess I’ll go back out and play frisbee.

    Hamster: Good night all. Thanks for helping a rodent be a “Gary” for a few magical moments.

    Terry: My cajones are too small…she bit me….I didn’t even feel it. I am bleeding out. Someone call Dr. Waddle. I’m dying…(Faints from blood loss.)

    Dr. Waddle: Ugh, who cares. This party sucked herpes…I’m leaving.

    Silver Elvis: (To Terry’s limp body) Sorry, lil’ buddy…I don’t think she’s gonna help you. And I’m out.

    Ninja: (Suddenly appears by punchbowl oblivious to the mayhem that took place.) Great-ah party.

    The Author:  Thank you all for coming…that was special. So, Robert is on the hunt for his girlfriend…he may have to destroy the one he loves. But it won’t be difficult cuz it looks like she went running after him. Terry is bleeding out all over the floor, Dr. Waddle won’t be helping him, Elvis has left the building, and the Ninja won’t leave. At least the animals didn’t crap all over the floor. Prince William might have peed a bit on that chair where “Some Guy” sat on him. And who was that mysterious guy, anyway? Perhaps Hamster has earned himself a name…Gary…Garry? It will be up to me (the co-author, Regan T. M. Pazuzu) and “Some Guy”, who is…*surprise*…the other co-author! I’m just grateful I don’t have to mail out another free copy of the book! Anyhoo – goodnight everybody!


    Don’t forget to buy your copy of They Suck, the novelization of the screenplay, by Regan T. M. Pazuzu and Kevin Risk!

    This has been the official They Suck online book launch party script…a collective creation by Simone Cordice, Kim Croscup, R. J. Downes, Regan T. M. Pazuzu, Jason Reilly and Kevin Risk

    FOR THE ORIGINAL, RAW EVENT PAGE ON FACEBOOK, CLICK HERE…remember to read the December 6th entries from bottom to top.

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